Seriously Disturbed Thanksgiving Diet Tips

Posted on November 22, 2007

Thanksgiving is a day of horror and revulsion for anorexics everywhere who are faced with a groaning buffet table of delectable treats. To survive the bacchanalia with your BMI intact, Radar Online has issued a handy survival guide for the followers of the high cult of Ana.
  • Invoke history. No less a great American than Benjamin Franklin favored installing the turkey, not the bald eagle, as our national symbol. "For in truth the Turk'y is in comparison a much more respectable bird, and withal a true original native of America," remarked Franklin. "He is (though a little vain and silly, it is true, but not the worse emblem for that) a Bird of Courage, and would not hesitate to attack a grenadier of the British Guards, who should presume to invade his farm yard with a red coat on." Cast your decision not to eat the noble bird as an act of respect for one of our greatest founding fathers. Then accuse everyone at the table of hating you for your freedom.

  • Get involved in serious dish-passing. Situate yourself between food-medicating uncles and hormonal nephews. Make like a seasoned air traffic controller and wave by dish after dish. Not only will you never have to eat the glop on your plate, but you'll also finally tone up those hideous man wrists.

    *****

  • Offer political motivations for your refusal to eat. Declare, "I am not eating until there's peace in Darfur." Distribute heartbreaking photos downloaded from savedarfur.org and darfurgenocide.org. Pack up as many uneaten entrees as you can in Ziploc bags and pledge to donate the booty to the people who really need it. Alternately, tie your refusal to eat to the inability of gays to wed. That's how Angelina Jolie does it.
Somehow we think most people are going to have the opposite problem tomorrow: most Americans will be trying to stop eating, not plotting ways to con your relatives into thinking that they actually do eat.