The Horrors of Kraft Guacamole Dip

A woman is suing Kraft Foods, Inc. for fraud, claiming that the company's guacamole dip contains hardly any avocado at all.

Brenday Lifsey said that the dip "just didn't taste avocadoey" and that her three layer dip turned out terribly. She looked at the carton and discovered the dip had hardly any avocado in it. She is action for class-action status on behalf of avocado lovers everywhere.

This is an absolute outrage. We hope that the jury awards this woman treble damages in the millions of dollars to compensate her for all her pain and suffering. Can you imagine the horror of digging into your three-layer dip and encountering a green mix of soybean oil, coconut oil and corn syrup where the delicious guacamole layer was supposed to be? Kraft Foods needs to go back to doing what it does best: making macaroni and cheese in a box. Because this concept of a "guacamole-flavored" dip is just appalling.

We wondered if this was some kind of singular aberration on the part of Kraft. But a quick perusal of the Kraft website turns up this horrifying recipe for Low Fat Guacamole. The ingredient list includes the following:

1 cup boiling water

1 pkg. (4-serving size) JELL-O Brand Lemon Flavor Sugar Free Low Calorie Gelatin

1 container (16 oz.) BREAKSTONE'S or KNUDSEN Low Fat Cottage Cheese

1 medium avocado, chopped (about 1 cup)

1/2 cup chopped green onions

1/3 cup pickled jalapeņo slices, drained

1/4 cup lemon juice

Jello?? Cottage cheese? We feel faint. This is Guacamole Blasphemy. The ONLY ingredients that belong in guacamole are: fresh, perfectly ripe avocadoes, diced sweet onions, lemon juice, a touch of tabasco sauce and salt. That's it. Nothing else. Nothing. No garlic. No tomatoes. No lettuce. No mayo (shudder). No cilantro. No jalapeņos. No GREEN onions. And, by all that is holy, NO JELLO.

We're feeling quite faint now. We're off to find some fresh avocados to wipe our memories of the numerous food atrocities which are apparently being committed by Kraft Foods on a daily basis.