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We Can't Handle Britney's Truth

Ok, we'd seen Nick and Jessica on Newlyweds. And that worked. But in Britney and Kevin: Chaotic's first hour, Britney herself wielded the digital recorder on just about everyone but herself. Frankly, the first fifteen minutes were boring. Then it got a little more interesting as Britney filmed paparazzi trying to get shots of her and she started to ask some of her assistants personal questions. Surely now she's going to talk about her beauty routine, exercise routine or practice some dance steps? Apparently not.

Britney has an appealing sweet side to her that does come through on the show. She doesn't seem spoiled or mean. Just unbelievably silly. But we think CNN's Tucker Carlson got it right. When asked what he thought about Britney after he interviewed her, he replied that he just couldn't get past how very young she seemed. In these home movies, she acts and sounds like she's about 14 years old (there were endless shot of her filming up her own nose, or making pig faces). There were some interesting clips of her getting ready to go on stage -- she is clearly completely fearless when it comes to performing -- and a total pro. When it gets really hard to watch is when he appears and by he we mean Britney's now-husband, then crush -- the absolutely ghastly and horrifically lazy Kevin Federline -- who takes longer to get ready in the morning than the world's most famous pop idol. He's taciturn. He's grumpy most of the time. He "doesn't believe in marriage" (no doubt that's what he told poor Shar Jackson). But most surprising of all -- he's a redneck with a horrible southern accent, which is really weird considering that he was born in Fresno, California. ("Payba-a-ack's a biatch, Britnaaaaaaay" he drawled when she filmed him in the shower.) A redneck, no good, two-timing, freeloading gigolo. Our heads are starting to hurt now.

Tony, Britney's bodyguard took an instant dislike to the Foul Federline and wasn't shy about saying so on camera. The scenes from next week show the large Tony squashing K-Fed into the floor like a bug, which made us very happy.

The most striking thing about the film is Britney's naïveté and immaturity. She is the opposite of her fearless stage personality. She appears vulnerable and desperate for anyone's affection. She also seems unaware that at the time these videos were shot Foul Federline's girlfriend Shar Jackson was at home in California, pregnant with K-Fed's second child. We wanted to stop the tape and yell "Britney what are you thinking? He's a snake!" But it's far too late for some sage dating advice -- and that's what made it hard to watch. Britney's continual burping and incessant exclamations of "Ya'll I'm such a dork!" weren't easy to bear, either.

Ok, fine, it's a train wreck. We'll tune in next week -- but only to see the Foul Federline get squished by Tony.

Posted on May 18, 2005

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